Inspirit Personal Growth

When I was in my early thirties and climbing the corporate ladder, I knew that I needed a bit more confidence and self-belief to get any further.  The company kindly sent me to a Dale Carnegie course, which was mostly based around his book “How to Win Friends and Influence People”.  Many of the lessons have stayed with me, and helped my self-improvement in many areas.  (I’m now in my fifties and specialise in life coaching and personal development, after successfully “climbing the ladder” in the corporate world).

 One of the lessons that I often hear resounding in my head is “Don’t criticise, condemn or complain”, whenever I am tempted to do just that!   In the section “Fundamental Techniques In Handling People”, Carnegie tells a number of stories of criminals who don’t blame themselves for anything they’ve done.  They rationalise and explain why they had to crack a safe or be quick on the trigger finger.  They attempt to justify their acts to others and themselves by some form of fallacious reasoning, maintaining that they should never have been imprisoned at all.  One such person was Al Capone, who actually regarding himself as an “unappreciated and misunderstood public benefactor”.  

 So, if these criminals don’t blame themselves for anything they do, what about the people we come into contact with on a daily basis?  Most will try to rationalise their actions and are unlikely to respond well to any criticism.  It is futile to criticise because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes them strive to justify themselves. Criticism can be dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.

 B. F. Skinner, the world-famous psychologist, proved through his experiments that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior. Later studies have shown that the same applies to humans. By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment or bitterness, which can demoralize employees, family members and friends, and still not correct the situation that has been condemned.

 Another story that Carnegie tells is of the safety coordinator for an engineering company, whose was responsible to see that employees wear their hard hats whenever they are on the job in the field. He reported that whenever he came across workers who were not wearing hard hats, he would tell them with a lot of authority of the regulation and that they must comply. As a result he would get sullen acceptance, and often after he left, the workers would remove the hats. He decided to try a different approach. The next time he found some of the workers not wearing their hard hat, he asked if the hats were uncomfortable or did not fit properly. Then he reminded the men in a pleasant tone of voice that the hat was designed to protect themfrom injury and suggested that it always be worn on the job. The result was increased compliance with the regulation with no resentment or emotional upset.

 We all know someone that we’d like to change and improve, but why not begin on yourself?  It is a lot more profitable (and easier!) than trying to change someone else.  As Confucious said “Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbour’s roof, when your own doorstep is unclean.”

 If you want to stir up resentment that may rankle across the decades and endure until death,  indulge in a little stinging criticism – no matter how certain you are that it is justified.   When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.  Bitter criticism caused the sensitive Thomas Hardy, one of the finest novelists ever to enrich English literature, to give up forever the writing of fiction. Criticism drove Thomas Chatterton, the English poet, to suicide.  Benjamin Franklin, tactless in his youth, became so diplomatic, so adroit at handling people, that he was made American Ambassador to France. The secret of his success? “I will speak ill of no man,” he said, ” . . and speak all the good I know of everybody.”

 As Dale Carnegie has shown us, anybody can criticize, condemn and complain – and most do.  But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving. “A great man shows his greatness,” said Carlyle, “by the way he treats little men.”

 

“How to Win Friends and Influence People” (Dale Carnegie, 1936) is now public domain and available in its entirety (free) at the website below.